next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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