I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize