Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
