You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
