I'm eating all of the evidence.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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