Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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