I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
