This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I love you.
Bad choice
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