I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
