Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
