I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
