Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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