Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
