dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
