I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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