I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
