you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
