Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
