Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
