Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
