I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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