Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
