since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
