Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
