I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I wish I only lived at night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
