Your mouth is God's brothel.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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