sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
