Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
