You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
