we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
