i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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