She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
