I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
