thus making me awesome and them whores
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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