Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
