Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
