I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
