Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
