if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
