so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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