That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
