While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
