I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
