there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Found your dick twin last night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
