Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
