Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
