I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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