she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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