yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
