FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
