I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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