3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
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