Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
