We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
