his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
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In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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