xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
