just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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