"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
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after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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