Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
