Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
