my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
